Feeling Uncertain about a New Adventure
For the past few months leading up to my departure for Glasgow, all I felt was pure anticipation and utter excitement. My motivation during finals season was knowing that in just a few weeks, I would be living in a city filled with history, and going to one of the most renowned universities in the world. I tried to anticipate the new experiences that I might have and created lists of all the place I wanted to explore. Where did I want to go? What did I want to see? With time and money as my only constraints, I was ready to explore Europe full steam ahead.
As my fall semester at CNU started to come to an end, I counted each day that I was closer to getting on a plane headed for Scotland. While the number of days until Scotland started to dwindle, I was shocked to realize that I was not only excited to study abroad, but I was also terrified. Why was I so scared? I had been looking forward to studying abroad since I saw my grandparents traveling the world together. Every time my grandparents came back from a trip from their latest country, they would tell the most amazing stories. They would show me photos of the people they met, the places they saw, and the food they ate. I remember deciding right then and there at ten years old that I wanted to see the world, too. Although I have traveled to Europe for short periods of time before, I still had so much to see, and I couldn’t wait.
But the fear had crept in, and it wasn’t going away anytime soon. As I started packing with my Mom, I said, “Mom, it’s happening.”She chuckled and said, “Yes, Maria. You’ve always wanted this! Why are you so surprised?” I repeated myself as if saying it again would make it untrue. “It’s happening.” The months of planning and excitement hadn’t prepared me for this. For feeling utterly terrified. The fear had set in, and for an hour or so, I let it take hold of me. I am, and have been for a while, a person who loves to plan, and have control-- so knowing that the next five months were full of uncertainty terrified me. While some things were certain: where I was living, where I would go to school, etc. so many aspects of my study abroad adventure weren’t certain yet. Where would I travel to? What was going to happen? I had no idea, and to me, that was utterly terrifying.
I had heard about the amount of personal growth that people experienced after studying abroad. Would I experience that as well, and come back a ‘changed’ woman? When people talk about studying abroad, I don’t think enough people talk about being afraid. But you see, I was equally terrified as I was excited.
After packing, saying goodbye to family and friends, I looked around my house and was surprised. Suddenly, I wasn't so afraid. I was ready for new experiences and adventures and couldn’t wait to explore and grow as much as possible. I looked around my house and said quietly to myself, “I’m ready.” I may not know exactly what will happen in these next five months, but I’m ready to find out.
